thursday.how did it come to this? my present arachnid state. i was young once, i was beautiful, i was sought after, i had picturesque robes and exceptional talents. how did i come to be so tiny, so translucent, so wispy, so whispery? how did i come to be shut up inside this page?
i wish i had the capacity to go back to how i used to lead life. the days where rollercoaster tycoon and candyland were my comfort zone and the metallic taste of concentrated crimson blood on my cracked lips did not daunt me. shedding barely a sole tear seemed to me like a far-fetched notion - one that was perfectly and eternally unaccomplishable. now i have degenerated into this huge self-pitying, life-questioning mess. i can burst out crying for no specific rhyme or reason and i constantly feel a sort of emptiness sinking deeper and deeper within the hollows of my frame. i used to pride myself on being wholly independent. yet, these days i am constantly asking for help, for directions. i no longer have the courage to live one day alone.
i've always perceived myself to be diametrically different. i imagined that i was a strong sturdy character that would take anything akin to the severity death to manipulate or mould. i hate being treated like laundry - where you can be just washed out and left to dry. that is probably my greatest flaw. when i do something, i tend to veer to the extremes. i breach limits and partake in things wholeheartedly. i cannot draw lines. and i like pain. maybe this is just a quarter life crisis. or maybe NJ has compelled me to grow up, enlightening me with the basic human instinct of feeling along the way. to put it bluntly, i'm fucked up.
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